Scorn. Vitriol. Bleak humour. The one star product review. We may see 354 five star reviews and yet the single one star review screams at us. Do not buy this! It’s too small, too big, too heavy, too bright, too fiddly, too black, too broken, too goddamn ugly.
You’ve been searching online for seven hours to find the perfect inner tube. A long list of 17 is down to three, but how to choose? Obsessing over details, cross-examining the reviews. Stupid things begin to matter.
A weight difference of 1g. Light grey versus slightly lighter grey. You get sucked in by bullshit marketing words disguised as science. Stiff, torque, directional stability. The one star review strikes down such pseudo science with great vengeance and furious anger.
This is a celebration of the one star review, an ode to keyboard revenge. What follows are real reviews from real people and most definitely not the reviews you’ll see in the marketing.
I love the one star review. You can hear the keyboard keys being bashed as the furious customer types every letter, each and every word carefully considered ever since they opened their parcel and their expectations were not met. Words dripping with sarcasm and vengeance. Typos go uncorrected such is the rage. The writer has been fuming for days. They’re probably still fuming now.
I like how they capitalised Gravity, as if yes, Gravity is a person you can write to.
Ouch. Not so much for having the bike stolen but for thinking this lock would be adequate protection! The reviews suggest many people don’t bother reading reviews given how many 1 star reviews have been written after the locked bike was stolen. Still, it’s an effective solution to n+1.
This reviewer changed their five star review to one star after evidently taking abuse from fellow riders who no doubt reminded him of the Velominati rules. Dicks.
Sure the lenses are amazing but what the fuck have I got on my face?! Back to the ivory frames with shit lenses.
A review of the greatest lie ever told. The mini-pump. An effective tool for strengthening biceps and testing your patience, not so good for inflating tyres. 100 psi my arse!
Everything looks better on the pro’s goddamn it. Perhaps it’s the speed at which they travel. Or perhaps pro’s are so quick because of the aero advantage of a small forehead.
The dreaded turbo trainer. I’m surprised there’s not more one star reviews expressing hate for this tool of torture. This reviewer can’t even bring themself to name it. Thing!
Might. They might stick to the bananas. Gonna give those mud covered oats one more try! To be fair we cyclists know the taste of mud all too well as any cyclist who’s ridden behind somebody in the wet can attest.
Stains. Don’t think they are talking about on the bottle or the fingers. Oh no. Moving on…
Two stars? What does it take to give a one star review? I note the singular use of bollock so perhaps if these bib shorts pinched the pair it would have been a one star review. This rider seemingly cannot comprehend ye old bollock pinch. Disgruntled and perturbed! I can almost hear the conversation with his butler. Bollock pinch sure would explain the bib short model’s stance in the picture though.
There’s a theme here. Balls. Don’t mess with the balls. Menthol scented creme for down there. Not the wisest of ideas.
Poor old Sweden gets dragged into this lower entry bike review. This rider’s run of bad decisions knows no end.
Still, at least it’s cheap! To be honest I’m not quite sure WTF this is. Some sort of liquid dispenser for idiots. I’d be more worried about the thing poking me in the eye. Perhaps this rider’s got a pair of those 90s era plastic transformer remake toy sunglasses to protect them! I also like the idea the reviewer is not sure what liquid is in it. Perhaps it’s not a drink dispenser after all but an on the bike toilet solution. Messy…
It’s important to clean your tools after the job. If only there was a cleaner for the chain cleaner. Probably one on Wiggle if you look hard enough. Bet that’s a bugger to clean too.
Being light, fast and puncture free ain’t enough for some. I can almost see this reviewer using Tippex after the bike wash to touch up the tyrewall branding.
Great until they broke. Fills me with confidence. Hope the support team fed him some mud covered oats on his return for referring to them as the support team.
A what point do you just think, nah, I’m just a rubbish cyclist? To be fair I have a similar sentiment every time I attempt an interval session.
Not all reviews are vitriolic. Happy customer share their love with the world. Pure poetry eh? And yes, it’s er, important to feel your nob at all times. Perhaps from underneath the saddle during the ride in this case! This review would equally have made a good review for winter gloves.
Disclaimer, a bike bell will not get you more dinner invites. Knuckle sandwiches perhaps given my experience!
And finally, there’s some reviewers who take a literal approach to describing the product.
No products were purchased in the writing of this post.